Regarding ruminations and back to Kerouac

It's all sort of coming to a close here which is incredibly sad. My urges are torn between going and doing as much as possible immediately, or to burying my head beneath the covers with a movie and not admitting I won't be seeing this place or these people for a very long time.
I have a feeling this post is going to reveal way more feelings than I want it to.

Warm weather is ever-present, the island and the sun beckon, open-air clubs are springing up all over the place and all I can think is...I am not ready for that next stage. Because once this is over, I will be traveling, and with that comes a lot of uncertainty. Then back to the real world, university, and finding a job--uncertainty rains and thunders down!

And all of my worries and anxieties, from the question of "what in the heck do I want to do with this life?", to "what can i do that will enable me to be productive?", "am I even capable of productivity and doing something worthwhile?", "do I do Film? but do i want to stay in LA forever? Accounting? International work? Environmental management?", to "how can I manage to not go flat broke before the end of my journey's?", to the ever-present "does everyone find love, will I?", and all the way to the silly "i am a girl and i want a pretty pair of new shoes but I can't"...well, I mostly manage to keep these tamped down and not flooding out and making a mess of my daily functioning. But then someone important asks me..."Why did you stop seeing that guy" or "so you know you have to actually get a job, become independent, make a career for yourself--when and how are you going to go about doing this?" Of course it's all out of concern for me, but I am thinking about this ALL THE TIME and I don't have any of the answers, not for myself and sure as heck not for anyone else.

Ok, phew, just wanted to get that out. Apologies for the complaining. I know I have to and I will man up to whatever faces me and everything will work out, but that doesn't mean that I have any certainty about anything and I am just trying to muddle my way through the best way possible, leaving no casualties. And please consider that my general behavior of being flippant or sarcastic or witty about something might mean that I actually care MORE rather than less.

If I might bring things back full-circle to the quote that started all this:

"I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one
falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had
nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion."
Jack Kerouac, On the Road

I guess I needed to put all this out there because I might be getting hung up on my worries and all I can do is try to experience, learn, move forward and 'muddle through.' So yep, that's the plan, 'don't worry, be "learning" (and hopefully happy).' Actually, once when I was little, my brother asked me "what have you learned today?" And being a 'too-cool' little brat I responded "nothing," and then he said, "no, you learn something every day." Course I just beat a path out of his presence at the time, but that little exchange has stuck with me and he was very right.

On a more upbeat tone, the events of the past two weeks have been more or less uneventful in any 'exciting stories that would interest my blog readers' sort of way. I had some serious group project work put on my shoulders, but my grasp of the English language (despite my free way with grammar) seems to be my biggest asset (if only I could motivate myself to put it to use to actually write something from ME, like a screenplay or a story. oops, did I just admit another anxiety/repressed wish?). So the work passed smoothly and I am amused to note that I have the highest grades in a few of my classes--amusing as this is the only semester where my grades will not count.

There was also a great deal of partying, though I opted out rather often or early. Two more friends came in for two nights from their study abroad at HEC (outside of Paris) and it was interesting to compare experiences, plus we went to a ridiculous club that basically had a circus show going on inside. There was also an ESN party on a boat on the Danube and my god this city is fantastic, at night especially.

Rope act from Studio

Wall of g0-go dancers at Studio

View from the Europa boat (Parliament, Chain Bridge, Castle Hill)

The Chain Bridge from the boat

I also spent a lot of time with the Irish this past week. Orla's family was visiting and they kindly took us out to dinner for her 21st at Koleves Vendeglo (Stonesoup Bar) which has the most fantastic duck with orange sauce and the poppyseed mess dessert I had attempted making at home, 'makos guba.'

Makos Guba aka Poppy seed Mess

Her father and I had some interesting conversations about propaganda and political regimes, and Orla herself is 'good people,' one of the best here. Plus, the Irish accent, as Courtney puts it, is utterly charming. And on Saturday we celebrated Kevin's 21st (he is also Irish) which was utterly hilarious but also a bit sad as their absolutely crazy landlord joined the party, and seeing an old alcoholic lady like that is just unfortunate. By and large, there are just too many alcoholics in Central and Eastern Europe. That night I also showed a couchsurfer around town, and that was a cool new experience--she was an Australian, working as an au pair in Paris for 6 months, and traveling around now on her own. She was exceptionally outgoing and just contacted me to see if I could provide a bit of company so I invited her out for the festivities with us. In exchange she imparted some useful advice on our future travels from Switz to Croatia.

Now I have exams, which will be done on Wednesday, plus a paper to finish. Probably the minute I finish with all my work I will feel a little 'freer' and less down than this post may suggest. And Steve and Courtney arrive soon after and the great adventures will begin!

I'll add a photolink to this post later.